In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
pls suprot
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]