if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse