I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.