Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
You Might Also Like
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
This checks out
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
mechanics be like
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.