[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Holy moly
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars