Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My purse is deeper than some people.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
The cashier just checked me out.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.