How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ATMs should have breathalyzers