People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
This January has 47 Mondays
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?