If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
craving $300 all of a sudden
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Thursday Thought.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.