Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive