My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
this chia pet tastes awful
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..