ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Education is vital
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.