Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
You Might Also Like
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.