Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
You Might Also Like
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.