Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You Might Also Like
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
notice
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.