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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Yup.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
sir, my pâté if you please
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool