On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Love this one 😂🧟
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist