Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.