Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message