Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.