i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa