RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.