Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool