I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate