At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.