If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
#growingpains
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things