Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.