Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”