I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life