synchronized noseblowing
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.