Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Who chose this font
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.