Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.