Van Gone
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*