an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Your secret is safeish with me
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.