Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”