If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My life in a nutshell
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
britain’s three elite institutions
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.