“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
You Might Also Like
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know