– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving