Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Florida be like…
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens