date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
*jazz hands*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.