Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples