Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
If only
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
im all 3
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.