Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
You Might Also Like
Cats (2019)
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
screw you
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.