cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
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My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.