“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”