So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Mood.. 😂
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
How to wake up a Beagle
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.