Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights