We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
You Might Also Like
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.