me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
But I really needed water water water
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us