My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.